T minus 7 days

My pacemaker surgery is officially one week (actually less, if we're being literal) from today. I am actually more nervous at this point than I was at this stage in October for my open heart, which surprises me. I think it's because I know what to expect now and I know I'm not going to like it, and much of the experience scares me. The last time I was in the hospital, it was after being re-admitted in to the ER for my techicardia (300+ beats per minute heart rate) which was followed by a 3 day hospital stay and another procedure to get rid of the faux heart beat that was creating such a problem. I honestly think I suffer from a bit of PTSD from the experience: seeing the nurses rush in to answer the panic alarms going off, my own voice screaming for Jason, feeling my heart race in my chest, nurses running in with the crash cart, not understanding what was going on, and thinking that I was truly going to die, telling Jason good-bye, and waking up hours later in a hospital room in CCU attached to an IV drip that was controlling my heart rate. I remember all of that, and it sometimes plays over and over again in my head before a panic attack, all in slow motion. And all of that is on top of the trauma of having been through major surgery just 8 months ago, so you can see how I wouldn't be looking forward to going back.

But. I am strong. And in the words of Christina Aguilera's song, Fighter
"Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter; makes me learn a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter." I am a fighter and I'm not going to stop fighting. I will get better, I will be healthier and I will continue to strive to live my life as I was meant to live it: without fear.

Little by Little

Little update:

Jason and I are currently in escrow! We found 3 homes we loved in Yucaipa (which is about 10 minutes further than Redlands) and out of those three offers, one worked out and we are officially in escrow as of Monday. We thought we were in escrow on Friday (May 21) but the paperwork didn't come through on the sellers end until Monday. Anyway, our home inspection is today (eeek!) and we're keeping our fingers crossed that it goes well...no deal breakers please!!

Breathe.

Ok. There is a LOT going on right now. Here's the break down:

1) I am having my pacemaker implanted in 3 weeks at UCLA
2) Jason got in to grad school at the University of Redlands for his Master's in Conducting
3) I gave notice at my job and my last day of work is tomorrow
4) We are relocating to Redlands in August and are looking to buy a home: loan pre-approval letter was received today, however, it may be tricky to actually GET a loan once we're both officially unemployed as of June 4. Hopefully, his parents will be willing to be co-signers... And to make things more interesting, I'm not sure how we're going to actually find said home once I'm laid up recovering but I guess things will work themselves out...or something.
5) The actual act of moving should prove to be interesting since my recovery time for the pacemaker implant is 6 weeks, and even after that time, I am pretty much banned from heavy lifting for awhile. Thankfully, my grandparents have insisted on helping us financially with a moving company. Hurray!
6) Once we are in Redlands, I will begin looking for a new full-time job

So, there you have it. Our crazy life in a nutshell. Please oh please let us hope and pray that the pacemaker is the answer to all of this health mess, and please oh please let my heart hold out through all of this craziness. Hold on to your hats and glasses, it's going to be one hell of a ride!