Today is the end of day two at work. I have successfully returned to the working world, and am attempting to get used to the daily grind once again. These last two mornings, I have gotten up at 8am, eaten breakfast, and then showered and dressed, making it in to the office at 9:45am on Monday (slow start) and 9:15am today (a bit better). I worked 6.5 hours yesterday and 7 hours today, which is much better than I had originally anticipated.
Overall, things have been ok, people have been nice and are happy that I am back, but I know this week is kind of the transition week and thus next week will be the true test - will people remember I'm still recovering from heart surgery and need to continue to take things slow? We'll see. I'm definitely feeling the effects of working a full day, though. My heart is handling it ok but I'm tired. I can feel when I need to pack it up for the day and head home. My body just sends me this message that I hear in my head, like "ok, that's it" and then I go home. So far, it's seems to be working out. I've been able to control the stress level and juggle my work load, but it's only day two. We'll see how I am at the end of the week.
I had a full blown panic attack on Sunday night before bed that I totally (honestly) didn't see coming. I thought I was handling it, thought I was managing the idea of returning to work and then WHAM, panic attack, complete with sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, major heart palpitations and irregular beats, the works. Thankfully, I was prescribed ativan for such occasions (as open heart surgery patients experience these episodes from time to time) and at about 1am finally calmed down and drifted off to sleep. Last night went much better. It's all a transition right now. I have to keep moving forward, one step, one day, at a time.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
One more week
I can't believe I'll be back to work a week from tomorrow! These last three months have literally flown by. I remember leaving work on October 19th and thinking how LONG it would be until I'd be back and now, it's a week away! I definitely can see how being at home and not working is preferable to working 8 hours a day and honestly, not one part of me is looking forward to going back. I'm so nervous I won't be ready, I'm afraid of getting too tired and stressed and going backwards with my recovery, and I'm sad to be returning to the workplace in general...the main reason being that once you're immersed in work and the stress that comes with it (especially when this transition is going to be hard), you don't have the time or rather, often discover that you don't take the time to notice and engage in the things that make life really enjoyable. Along with the little things, I've enjoyed my daily walks, sleeping in when I'm having a rough day heart palpitation wise, reading books, spending time catching up on movies and tv shows and being at home when Jason comes home for lunch. I've enjoyed doing my grocery shopping during the day, seeing friends and family during the day, and being at HOME during the day, a part I'm sure my pets will miss as well. I'm going to miss working on craft projects, getting caught up with the laundry and wearing lazy day clothes every day instead of dress clothes for work.
I know this must sound, all written down, like the longest most leisurely of vacations but I assure you, it has not been. More often than not, I've been on the couch out of pure necessity rather than desire and nearly 2 full months out of the three were spent in varying degrees of pain, not to mention the anxiety and insomnia that comes with major surgery. It took me almost a full month before I could wash my own hair and before I didn't feel like the shower to wash my hair would be the greatest exertion of the day. Nights when I only slept 2-3 hours at most and became acquainted with late night/early morning tv offerings (which were lousy at best) only to wake up soaked in sweat; weeks full of multiple days in a row where I would have hours upon hours of endless heart palpitations; panic attacks that would come out of nowhere (one of the worst on Thanksgiving Day), and such severe muscle spasms in my back from being stiff and holding my body differently and sleeping on three pillows (because I couldn't lie flat) that it was difficult to breathe. This is the first time I've had a 4-day run of good days...usually a bad day would be tossed in for good measure. So you can see how I'd be hesitant and wary about returning to a full-time management position. I know I need to do it, for more reasons than one, and I know that I CAN do it, once I'm back in it and re-adjusted to the working world: everything will fall in to place and I'll be ok. It's just getting to the "ok" that worries me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and I know that working full-time and being stressed out again and up and about all day will take it's toll on me and have it's effects and how all of that shows up in me is what remains to be seen. I'm out of PTO, and I'm out of disability time so I can't take days off if I have a bad day. How will that work? What will I do? No more sleeping it off or resting until I feel stronger. My employers have been wonderfully supportive, encouraging me to take the full 12 weeks to feel the best that I can, but I don't think anyone fully understands what a challenge this whole process has been and how far I still have to go. Technically, I'm only half way through my recovery time, as the given time is 6 months.
Oh Lord, please give me the strength to do what needs to be done and the wisdom to know what to do and how to get through if what I need to do isn't what I should be doing...and please help my superiors see that I'm trying my best to be the employee they need me to be but that it'll all take time, as my heart and body are still healing, both inside and out.
I know this must sound, all written down, like the longest most leisurely of vacations but I assure you, it has not been. More often than not, I've been on the couch out of pure necessity rather than desire and nearly 2 full months out of the three were spent in varying degrees of pain, not to mention the anxiety and insomnia that comes with major surgery. It took me almost a full month before I could wash my own hair and before I didn't feel like the shower to wash my hair would be the greatest exertion of the day. Nights when I only slept 2-3 hours at most and became acquainted with late night/early morning tv offerings (which were lousy at best) only to wake up soaked in sweat; weeks full of multiple days in a row where I would have hours upon hours of endless heart palpitations; panic attacks that would come out of nowhere (one of the worst on Thanksgiving Day), and such severe muscle spasms in my back from being stiff and holding my body differently and sleeping on three pillows (because I couldn't lie flat) that it was difficult to breathe. This is the first time I've had a 4-day run of good days...usually a bad day would be tossed in for good measure. So you can see how I'd be hesitant and wary about returning to a full-time management position. I know I need to do it, for more reasons than one, and I know that I CAN do it, once I'm back in it and re-adjusted to the working world: everything will fall in to place and I'll be ok. It's just getting to the "ok" that worries me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and I know that working full-time and being stressed out again and up and about all day will take it's toll on me and have it's effects and how all of that shows up in me is what remains to be seen. I'm out of PTO, and I'm out of disability time so I can't take days off if I have a bad day. How will that work? What will I do? No more sleeping it off or resting until I feel stronger. My employers have been wonderfully supportive, encouraging me to take the full 12 weeks to feel the best that I can, but I don't think anyone fully understands what a challenge this whole process has been and how far I still have to go. Technically, I'm only half way through my recovery time, as the given time is 6 months.
Oh Lord, please give me the strength to do what needs to be done and the wisdom to know what to do and how to get through if what I need to do isn't what I should be doing...and please help my superiors see that I'm trying my best to be the employee they need me to be but that it'll all take time, as my heart and body are still healing, both inside and out.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I've come to realize, for now at least, that I am a different version of myself...a lesser functioning Melissa than what I was two months ago. It's not exactly a negative thing, or a scary thing, or even something I think about too often but it does seem odd at times that I'm still me, just different. And it's not even easy to describe in what ways I am different. Mostly, they are things that I feel inside, not outward things, other than the obvious 7-inch scar down the center of my chest. Things like how slow I am in the morning, or how hot water in the shower makes my heart flip-flop, or how tired I am when I lie my head down at night even after doing nothing all day. How it scares me to hear about celebrities that die young of cardiac arrest (Brittany Murphy, most recently) or the realization that everything we see, everything we are, everything we do can all be over in the blink of an eye. I know it sounds morbid, but when you've had to face death, it's an unavoidable thought.
But, the flip side to this new Melissa is that it's not all negative. In fact, I think that BECAUSE of the fear and BECAUSE of the bad days I still experience health-wise as my heart continues to heal, I am becoming a more positive person. I've come to notice just how wonderfully beautiful the simplest of things can be. Like taking a walk and feeling each muscle expand and contract to propel me forward and with each step, I can feel the strength of my body returning. Like looking up at the sky, out over the ocean, the smell of freshly cut grass, or taking the first breath of morning air when you step outside your house, the sound of a dog barking in the distance, the feel of the breeze on your cheek, the tender kiss goodnight offered to you by a loving spouse, the sound of a child's giggle, the warm glow of a light in a house when you can picture everyone sitting around the dinner table inside enjoying each other's company and recounting the day's events. It can be nothing or it can be everything and to me, it's become everything and more. I don't wake up and begrudge the beginning of another day as I used to because back then, it meant dragging myself out of bed and into the shower to make it in to work on time. Now a new day means another chance, a brand new day to be alive and to take it all in.
I'm a new version of myself. I'm not the same Melissa I was two months ago. I'm not even the same Melissa I was one month ago. That person was too consumed by anxiety and post-operative pain to appreciate all that I have begun to let in to my life. It's a slow process, but I hope I can carry this torch on in to the future and not let this new Melissa disappear as more of life's challenges present themselves, as they inevitably will. I'm not saying she won't fade from time to time, but I hope she stays around for awhile, because she's really starting to grow on me.
But, the flip side to this new Melissa is that it's not all negative. In fact, I think that BECAUSE of the fear and BECAUSE of the bad days I still experience health-wise as my heart continues to heal, I am becoming a more positive person. I've come to notice just how wonderfully beautiful the simplest of things can be. Like taking a walk and feeling each muscle expand and contract to propel me forward and with each step, I can feel the strength of my body returning. Like looking up at the sky, out over the ocean, the smell of freshly cut grass, or taking the first breath of morning air when you step outside your house, the sound of a dog barking in the distance, the feel of the breeze on your cheek, the tender kiss goodnight offered to you by a loving spouse, the sound of a child's giggle, the warm glow of a light in a house when you can picture everyone sitting around the dinner table inside enjoying each other's company and recounting the day's events. It can be nothing or it can be everything and to me, it's become everything and more. I don't wake up and begrudge the beginning of another day as I used to because back then, it meant dragging myself out of bed and into the shower to make it in to work on time. Now a new day means another chance, a brand new day to be alive and to take it all in.
I'm a new version of myself. I'm not the same Melissa I was two months ago. I'm not even the same Melissa I was one month ago. That person was too consumed by anxiety and post-operative pain to appreciate all that I have begun to let in to my life. It's a slow process, but I hope I can carry this torch on in to the future and not let this new Melissa disappear as more of life's challenges present themselves, as they inevitably will. I'm not saying she won't fade from time to time, but I hope she stays around for awhile, because she's really starting to grow on me.
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