What a beautiful and precious gift this life is. Happy 5th surgiversary to me ♡
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
5 years
Same scar, different girl. I
have grown immeasurably in the last half decade, and I am proud of the
me I have become. Melissa 2.0. The latest and greatest version.
What a beautiful and precious gift this life is. Happy 5th surgiversary to me ♡
What a beautiful and precious gift this life is. Happy 5th surgiversary to me ♡
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
A Walk Down Memory Lake...er, I mean, Lane
Okay, I'll admit it. I watched Dawson's Creek religiously as a teenager. In fact, I hosted a group of friends over at my house each week to watch it, and actually, our Dawson's Creek nights were a lot of fun! Now, as an adult, I've decided to re-watch it and it. is. painful. Entertaining, yes; overly dramatic, YES. But realistic? That would be a huge resounding NO. Too many big words for a bunch of early 20-somethings trying to play believable 15 and 16 year olds. Additionally, after being around that age group as an adult when Jason was teaching, I can assure you that most 15 and 16 year olds do not look or speak that way. However, they are most assuredly full of angst and raging hormones.
But I digress.
Besides the fact that it is entirely ridiculous on the reality scale, re-watching the series has taken me on a walk down memory lane big time. I don't remember all of the sordid details of the plot lines nor the full timeline of character interactions (you know, who dated who, who hated who, who was part of which group when, etc) but I certainly remember being that age and feeling those feelings and it's made me realize just how much I miss that time in my life. No real responsibility, everything was new and fresh and on overdrive; it was just such a shimmery, electric time. The excitement and nervousness of a first date, the anticipation and feeling of a first kiss, learning about your partner as time went on, falling in love. Every emotion was deeply felt. Dreams were on hyper drive. You could do anything, be anything, the future was this glimmering oasis just out of reach but seemingly so clear from certain angles. And it was all so exciting. Couldn't wait to grow up and get started!
And here I am. Grown up and "living in the future" but of course, some parts aren't quite as I'd envisioned, as I'm sure it is for everyone. Some things are better than I could have imagined. For instance: My 15-year old self couldn't have truly grasped that Jason and I would still be together all this time later, living happily together as Mr. and Mrs. It was most definitely a dream but at that time, not yet something I could rely on for truth. How many 15 year olds do you know who end up marrying their high school sweetheart, the first boyfriend they ever have, their first love? It happens but it's rare. And what a happy rarity it is! Other things are surprises - a mixture of good and not as good - such as living in the Midwest, not ending up on the career path I thought I'd have in journalism or editorial work, lost loved ones, my new-found passion for photography, not yet having a family at this age, and the medical challenges I've faced. But, when it comes down to it, this is real life. What we envision, what we dream about, some of the things happen and others don't. That's the way it is. That's part of growing up and learning about being an adult in the real world. Life happens when we're busy making other plans, right?
Most of my life thus far has been truly grand. Wonderful education, beautiful long relationship with the man of my dreams, a myriad of cherished friendships, enlightening {even profound} experiences, and even a few miracles thrown in for good measure. True, there are moments I wish I could take back and do all over again to try and get them "right," some memories I wish I could just erase, moments in time I wish I could relive again to feel their magic, but all in all, I'm content. I wake up each day and get to try again. I get to continue reaching for dreams not yet attained. How blessed am I?
So why does re-watching Dawson's Creek make me wistful for my teenage years? They were simpler times. The hardships I've faced since graduating high school hadn't happened yet. My biggest worry was turning in an assignment, working a few hours after school (at a store that has since closed, much to my dismay), or what I was going to wear to prom. I had angst, sure, and I worried quite a bit even then because that's just me but all in all, life was easier. But, notice I said easier and not better. Because the truth is, I am who I am because of everything, all of the years. I miss being a teenager because times were simpler and everything was new and exciting but given the chance, I wouldn't go back because going back might alter the outcome of what is. And even though what is has been hard at times, it's what was meant for me. And who am I to mess with fate? So I guess I'll just smile when I watch my old TV favorites and be wistful. Because I'm thankful for what I've got.
But I digress.
Besides the fact that it is entirely ridiculous on the reality scale, re-watching the series has taken me on a walk down memory lane big time. I don't remember all of the sordid details of the plot lines nor the full timeline of character interactions (you know, who dated who, who hated who, who was part of which group when, etc) but I certainly remember being that age and feeling those feelings and it's made me realize just how much I miss that time in my life. No real responsibility, everything was new and fresh and on overdrive; it was just such a shimmery, electric time. The excitement and nervousness of a first date, the anticipation and feeling of a first kiss, learning about your partner as time went on, falling in love. Every emotion was deeply felt. Dreams were on hyper drive. You could do anything, be anything, the future was this glimmering oasis just out of reach but seemingly so clear from certain angles. And it was all so exciting. Couldn't wait to grow up and get started!
And here I am. Grown up and "living in the future" but of course, some parts aren't quite as I'd envisioned, as I'm sure it is for everyone. Some things are better than I could have imagined. For instance: My 15-year old self couldn't have truly grasped that Jason and I would still be together all this time later, living happily together as Mr. and Mrs. It was most definitely a dream but at that time, not yet something I could rely on for truth. How many 15 year olds do you know who end up marrying their high school sweetheart, the first boyfriend they ever have, their first love? It happens but it's rare. And what a happy rarity it is! Other things are surprises - a mixture of good and not as good - such as living in the Midwest, not ending up on the career path I thought I'd have in journalism or editorial work, lost loved ones, my new-found passion for photography, not yet having a family at this age, and the medical challenges I've faced. But, when it comes down to it, this is real life. What we envision, what we dream about, some of the things happen and others don't. That's the way it is. That's part of growing up and learning about being an adult in the real world. Life happens when we're busy making other plans, right?
Most of my life thus far has been truly grand. Wonderful education, beautiful long relationship with the man of my dreams, a myriad of cherished friendships, enlightening {even profound} experiences, and even a few miracles thrown in for good measure. True, there are moments I wish I could take back and do all over again to try and get them "right," some memories I wish I could just erase, moments in time I wish I could relive again to feel their magic, but all in all, I'm content. I wake up each day and get to try again. I get to continue reaching for dreams not yet attained. How blessed am I?
So why does re-watching Dawson's Creek make me wistful for my teenage years? They were simpler times. The hardships I've faced since graduating high school hadn't happened yet. My biggest worry was turning in an assignment, working a few hours after school (at a store that has since closed, much to my dismay), or what I was going to wear to prom. I had angst, sure, and I worried quite a bit even then because that's just me but all in all, life was easier. But, notice I said easier and not better. Because the truth is, I am who I am because of everything, all of the years. I miss being a teenager because times were simpler and everything was new and exciting but given the chance, I wouldn't go back because going back might alter the outcome of what is. And even though what is has been hard at times, it's what was meant for me. And who am I to mess with fate? So I guess I'll just smile when I watch my old TV favorites and be wistful. Because I'm thankful for what I've got.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Website and wall space
It's been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry about that. Seems as though life gets busy and before we know it, months have flown by.
Last month, I decided to take a big step and rent a space at a local antique market to display some of my photographs! The process was a bit frenzied as I signed the lease just three short days before the beginning of May so I wanted to have some items up to display by the time the first of the month rolled around, but all in all, the photos turned out great and they're matted and hung up on my rented wall space as we speak. To date, I have sold two pieces: one 5x7 and a 16x24 print. Additionally, I own a place in cyberspace! www.melissanam.com is mine all mine -- well, at least for a year :) Check it out when you get the chance and let me know if you see anything you like! I will be continuously adding photos to my website so check back often to see if there is anything new!
Last month, I decided to take a big step and rent a space at a local antique market to display some of my photographs! The process was a bit frenzied as I signed the lease just three short days before the beginning of May so I wanted to have some items up to display by the time the first of the month rolled around, but all in all, the photos turned out great and they're matted and hung up on my rented wall space as we speak. To date, I have sold two pieces: one 5x7 and a 16x24 print. Additionally, I own a place in cyberspace! www.melissanam.com is mine all mine -- well, at least for a year :) Check it out when you get the chance and let me know if you see anything you like! I will be continuously adding photos to my website so check back often to see if there is anything new!
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| Signing my lease! |
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| Photos matted, tagged and bagged! |
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| Pretty awesome to see my signature on the photo mat |
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| Me at my wall space at the antique mart! |
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
This Almost-30-Year-Old's Third Decade Bucket List
30 is just days away...tick tock, tick tock haha Honestly, I'm not all that thrilled as it just sounds...older...but if I'm being truly honest, I'm not all that sad about leaving my 20's behind. Although there were some very wonderful moments in time sprinkled throughout my second decade (college graduation, our beautiful wedding and honeymoon, first job, some lovely experiences as an Indiana resident {snow!}, etc), my twenties have been challenging years, all in all. That being said, I have high hopes for this decade, very high hopes indeed. I have things I want to do and places I want to visit as I press on through my thirties. In no particular order, I present to you my third decade "large item" bucket list:
1) Travel abroad -- with the exception of traveling very briefly to Canada to catch a cruise-ship to Alaska for our Alaskan honeymoon adventure, I have never set foot outside of this beautiful country of ours. And I would love to! There are so many places I'd just love to visit - Italy, Greece, Ireland, Egypt (always been a dream of mine to see the pyramids in person), Korea (to finally see and experience first-hand where Jason's family is from), Paris, the list could go on and on. Someday it'll happen. Hopefully it'll be in my 30's :)
2) Travel more -- when we can find the time and have the funds, I'd love to see just what else the US of A has to offer. I'd love to do a cross-country road trip, for instance (and no, our drive from CA to IN most certainly did NOT count, as we weren't able to make any unscheduled stops due to the animals, and pretty much made a beeline for our new destination). I've always wanted to visit Connecticut in the Fall, and we have a few friends sprinkled around in other states {*cough* Washington, Wyoming, Texas, New York *cough*} who we would really enjoy seeing, so hopefully this next 10 year span will allow us to visit a few other states we haven't yet spent a lot of time in.
3) Purchase a home -- this renting stuff is annoying. I don't particularly like not having any control over how the house looks or what we can do to it/with it. I don't like being at someone else's mercy when it comes to repairs or rent increases or how long we can stay somewhere. I don't like being told I can't have more than the animals we've already got. Renting is essentially flushing money down the toilet every month but our situation up until now has not allowed for us to do anything but. We've lived a few years here, a few years there, and are planning another move next year, where we will hopefully be living for longer than just a 2 or 3 year stretch of time. So this will be the decade for putting down some roots and that is exciting.
4) Little Nams -- That's all I'm going to say on that one :)
5) Write my heart book -- I need to do this. I need to do it for me, and I need to do it for the other young folks out there - and their families - who may be in search of a story similar to theirs. I need to share my experiences so that other people don't feel so alone, as I did. I have the tools and the skills, I just need to take the time.
6) More pets -- Something that comes along with owning our own home is the fact that we can build upon our furry kid family. I want a rabbit really, really badly. But it would have to have its own space as I know two fur babies who would just LOVE to get better acquainted with it should we ever bring one in to our home. Also, Jason and I have a list of "must have at some point in our lives" dogs (which includes everything from a Bichon to a St. Bernard) but we shall see, as our current pets are both "only children" in their respective species, if you catch my drift.
7) Keep up with my photography -- I am so glad that I have discovered my passion for photography. I know 'passion' is a strong word, but I get so much joy out of the process. I love how it allows my mind to clear and I love the creative aspects of it. I need to start a web page if only to just display my photographs gallery-style, but I haven't gotten around to doing it. I think the main reason is fear: am I good enough? Would anyone really be interested in what I'm doing? I've also toyed around with opening an Etsy shop. These ideas scare me but I need to push past that fear and use it as fuel to encourage myself to do something that maybe I ordinarily wouldn't. I think it would be really rewarding.
8) Worry less, enjoy more -- yes, I realize that this one is different from the rest of the list as it is emotion based rather than action based but for me, it is an action and it is important and it IS something I desperately need and want to do. I worry. A lot. Too much. About my health (real and imagined or feared), about the future, about the past and how it will affect and impact the future, about other people, about what people think about me. I worry to the point where it can and has gotten in the way of my life, of enjoyment, of LIVING. I want do be better and for me, it will require real work and a conscious effort. I found a quote by Benjamin Franklin that I really like that touches on this subject: "How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them." Worrying is a fault of mine, a weakness. It is a problem, I freely admit and own that fact, and I intend to work on mending it.
9) Plant another garden -- no matter where we live next, I want a garden. Whether it's a container garden, a raised bed garden, a plot in a community garden, or one in our own backyard, I must have it. I can't tell you how much joy I got from growing our own produce. Planting those seeds, tending and caring for them as they grew, and then enjoying and sharing the spoils of our hard work was something that has stuck with me since our first and last garden venture in Redlands...and it must happen again.
10) Flesh out my wardrobe -- this might seem like an odd thing to have on a bucket list but I'm a practical person and if I'm being really honest about what I'd like to do this decade, this item has to be on my to-do list. I want to buy some classic, nice pieces that will last a long time. Read: quality. Our budget has been tight these last several years and while I always try my best to look nice and put together, I can't usually afford things that are of good quality. I hit the sales, or allow myself a tiny splurge now and again, but most of my shopping is done at Outlet malls and the vast majority of my staple clothing items (jeans/pants, dresses/skirts, cardigans, shoes) are from years ago. I try to take good care of them so they don't wear out too soon and I try to buy things that aren't screaming "I'm from {insert year here}" but I get sick of what my closet has to offer, and I'd really love to put together a nice age appropriate wardrobe for myself.
11) Learn something new -- I don't care if it's a new language or a new skill, but I think it's important to keep learning new things. I've thought about learning how to use a sewing machine, learning how to speak Italian, and learning how to throw pottery so maybe this decade will be the one where I actually do one of those things and stop talking about it.
12) Volunteer -- I want to give back. I have really enjoyed working with the other volunteers on organizing the Congenital Heart Walk this coming May and donating my time for that cause. I would like to spend part of a holiday serving food at a shelter; I would like to be a Big Sister to a child in need; I would like to visit with the elderly or kids at hospitals or retirement homes; I would like to be a foster home for dogs or cats awaiting their forever families. It's always important to give.
So there you have it. I'm sure that if I gave it more thought, I could come up with more items to add to my list but off the top of my head, these are the biggies. I hope to add to this list in the coming years and I hope to cross of each and every item by the time I reach the big 4-0. This life is a gift -- I'm excited to see what the next decade has in store!
1) Travel abroad -- with the exception of traveling very briefly to Canada to catch a cruise-ship to Alaska for our Alaskan honeymoon adventure, I have never set foot outside of this beautiful country of ours. And I would love to! There are so many places I'd just love to visit - Italy, Greece, Ireland, Egypt (always been a dream of mine to see the pyramids in person), Korea (to finally see and experience first-hand where Jason's family is from), Paris, the list could go on and on. Someday it'll happen. Hopefully it'll be in my 30's :)
2) Travel more -- when we can find the time and have the funds, I'd love to see just what else the US of A has to offer. I'd love to do a cross-country road trip, for instance (and no, our drive from CA to IN most certainly did NOT count, as we weren't able to make any unscheduled stops due to the animals, and pretty much made a beeline for our new destination). I've always wanted to visit Connecticut in the Fall, and we have a few friends sprinkled around in other states {*cough* Washington, Wyoming, Texas, New York *cough*} who we would really enjoy seeing, so hopefully this next 10 year span will allow us to visit a few other states we haven't yet spent a lot of time in.
3) Purchase a home -- this renting stuff is annoying. I don't particularly like not having any control over how the house looks or what we can do to it/with it. I don't like being at someone else's mercy when it comes to repairs or rent increases or how long we can stay somewhere. I don't like being told I can't have more than the animals we've already got. Renting is essentially flushing money down the toilet every month but our situation up until now has not allowed for us to do anything but. We've lived a few years here, a few years there, and are planning another move next year, where we will hopefully be living for longer than just a 2 or 3 year stretch of time. So this will be the decade for putting down some roots and that is exciting.
4) Little Nams -- That's all I'm going to say on that one :)
5) Write my heart book -- I need to do this. I need to do it for me, and I need to do it for the other young folks out there - and their families - who may be in search of a story similar to theirs. I need to share my experiences so that other people don't feel so alone, as I did. I have the tools and the skills, I just need to take the time.
6) More pets -- Something that comes along with owning our own home is the fact that we can build upon our furry kid family. I want a rabbit really, really badly. But it would have to have its own space as I know two fur babies who would just LOVE to get better acquainted with it should we ever bring one in to our home. Also, Jason and I have a list of "must have at some point in our lives" dogs (which includes everything from a Bichon to a St. Bernard) but we shall see, as our current pets are both "only children" in their respective species, if you catch my drift.
7) Keep up with my photography -- I am so glad that I have discovered my passion for photography. I know 'passion' is a strong word, but I get so much joy out of the process. I love how it allows my mind to clear and I love the creative aspects of it. I need to start a web page if only to just display my photographs gallery-style, but I haven't gotten around to doing it. I think the main reason is fear: am I good enough? Would anyone really be interested in what I'm doing? I've also toyed around with opening an Etsy shop. These ideas scare me but I need to push past that fear and use it as fuel to encourage myself to do something that maybe I ordinarily wouldn't. I think it would be really rewarding.
8) Worry less, enjoy more -- yes, I realize that this one is different from the rest of the list as it is emotion based rather than action based but for me, it is an action and it is important and it IS something I desperately need and want to do. I worry. A lot. Too much. About my health (real and imagined or feared), about the future, about the past and how it will affect and impact the future, about other people, about what people think about me. I worry to the point where it can and has gotten in the way of my life, of enjoyment, of LIVING. I want do be better and for me, it will require real work and a conscious effort. I found a quote by Benjamin Franklin that I really like that touches on this subject: "How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them." Worrying is a fault of mine, a weakness. It is a problem, I freely admit and own that fact, and I intend to work on mending it.
9) Plant another garden -- no matter where we live next, I want a garden. Whether it's a container garden, a raised bed garden, a plot in a community garden, or one in our own backyard, I must have it. I can't tell you how much joy I got from growing our own produce. Planting those seeds, tending and caring for them as they grew, and then enjoying and sharing the spoils of our hard work was something that has stuck with me since our first and last garden venture in Redlands...and it must happen again.
10) Flesh out my wardrobe -- this might seem like an odd thing to have on a bucket list but I'm a practical person and if I'm being really honest about what I'd like to do this decade, this item has to be on my to-do list. I want to buy some classic, nice pieces that will last a long time. Read: quality. Our budget has been tight these last several years and while I always try my best to look nice and put together, I can't usually afford things that are of good quality. I hit the sales, or allow myself a tiny splurge now and again, but most of my shopping is done at Outlet malls and the vast majority of my staple clothing items (jeans/pants, dresses/skirts, cardigans, shoes) are from years ago. I try to take good care of them so they don't wear out too soon and I try to buy things that aren't screaming "I'm from {insert year here}" but I get sick of what my closet has to offer, and I'd really love to put together a nice age appropriate wardrobe for myself.
11) Learn something new -- I don't care if it's a new language or a new skill, but I think it's important to keep learning new things. I've thought about learning how to use a sewing machine, learning how to speak Italian, and learning how to throw pottery so maybe this decade will be the one where I actually do one of those things and stop talking about it.
12) Volunteer -- I want to give back. I have really enjoyed working with the other volunteers on organizing the Congenital Heart Walk this coming May and donating my time for that cause. I would like to spend part of a holiday serving food at a shelter; I would like to be a Big Sister to a child in need; I would like to visit with the elderly or kids at hospitals or retirement homes; I would like to be a foster home for dogs or cats awaiting their forever families. It's always important to give.
So there you have it. I'm sure that if I gave it more thought, I could come up with more items to add to my list but off the top of my head, these are the biggies. I hope to add to this list in the coming years and I hope to cross of each and every item by the time I reach the big 4-0. This life is a gift -- I'm excited to see what the next decade has in store!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Someday, maybe it'll change
I had another heart episode on Wednesday, my second prolonged episode of rapid, erratic beats in about 2.5 months. I was at the gym, walking on the treadmill, and I felt my heart rate surge and then stay elevated. Trying not to panic (you know, being in a public place and all), I turned off my machine, and walked out to my car, my heart beating frantically all the while. Let me tell you: it is nearly impossible to stay calm when your heart is beating wildly out of control, adrenaline surging through your body with every pump, so even though I was trying to keep my breathing steady and even, the shallow breaths were definitely taking over, throwing me in to full panic attack mode. It was cold out (hello, Indiana Winter) so there I was huddled in my car, head against the steering wheel, sobbing while I waited for Jason to get there {thankfully, when I have these episodes, I don't pass out and I was able to call Jason to let him know what was going on}. Long story short, he got there, climbed in to the car with me, got me to stop crying, took my hands, and breathed me down. In less than a minute, he did what I couldn't do in 35 on my own. My hero.
So, like I said, second time in 2.5 months. It really upset and frightened me, especially since I wasn't doing anything particularly strenuous or different {I've been going to the gym for about 2 months now and I am always careful and aware of how what I'm doing is affecting my heart rate}. The only thing that I can see connecting the episodes is that they occur directly after or during periods of stress. Thing is, they don't always occur when I'm stressed, but when they do, I'm stressed -- does that make sense? They seem like exceptions to the rule.
Anyway.
I was able to get an appointment at my cardiologist office for this morning and while the appointment was informative, we didn't really leave with concrete answers, which is frustrating but not altogether surprising. {Concrete information I did get was my bpm for those two episodes: 265bpm for Wednesday and 285bpm for the episode I had in November. Normal/average is 70bpm. *sigh* Additionally, they do believe that my episodes are caused by atrial fibrillation.} Many times, they can't tell exactly what is happening with the electrical system of the heart unless they can get in there and observe it while it's happening (via ablation) or capture it "misbehaving" while the patient is wearing a heart monitor, but I'm not a candidate for a heart monitor at this stage because for the moment, they happen too far apart (thank God). I carry a low dose beta blocker in my purse so I wanted to know when I should use it and what to expect, as I thought about taking one on Wednesday but eventually decided against it since I didn't know exactly what it did. The NP I saw today was able to answer those questions (take if after 30 minutes I am unable to gain control of my heart rate without intervention, lie down as it may cause dizziness and wait for the pill to take effect, which might be up to another half hour) and give me an idea as to what my other options were should these episodes persist and/or occur with more regularity:
1) take my heart pill PRN (as needed) until the episodes are really commonplace and I am ready to move on to a more aggressive treatment (see #2)
2) conduct an EP (electrophysiology) study where they would prepare me for an ablation (where they remove rogue/misfiring cells of the heart through a laser-like procedure, entering the body through a vein in the groin area)
3) put me on a daily beta blocker (which we want to avoid until I'm older as they do not like to give these to women of child bearing age since they have side effects and are hard on the body, and most are not "pregnancy approved".)
Of course, the hope is that they won't occur with any more frequency than they are now, and idealistically, they will happen less often than they have been. So I guess all I can do now is wait and see, which is hard and causes me anxiety because the wondering is one of the worst parts: wondering when another episode will happen, wondering where I'll be and what I'll be doing, wondering how bad it will be that next time and if I'll need to be hospitalized like I was in September of 2012 in order to get it to stop, wondering how this will continue to affect my/our life.
Can I complain for a moment? I'm going to give myself permission to let my guard down and just, well, not be strong for a minute, so please don't think less of me. Most of the time, I'm okay. I try really hard to be upbeat about my heart issues, and focus on the good in my life, on the blessings but...I miss my pre-heart trouble life more than I can say. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like a glass doll that has to be handled with care. I feel old. I have a pacemaker, for crying out loud. I am usually the youngest patient in the waiting room and the nurses often say, "You're too young for this, sweetheart, I'm sorry." I don't want pity, I want to be fixed. I don't want projections, I want answers. I can't tell you how hard it is to continuously work to build up my self-confidence, my self-worth and my self-esteem, cast my fears aside, and then just as often have to pick myself up and carry on after something like this happens. It's exhausting. I worry about my future constantly, because adults living with congenital heart disease (or the effects thereof) aren't all that common...yet...because babies born with more severe congenital defects oftentimes didn't survive into adulthood. Thanks to technology, that is changing. "What if" scenarios run rampant in my mind if I don't keep them in check. "Regular" cardiologists don't know what to do with me, so I have to ask for referrals to specialists who are just now slogging through research recently conducted to find answers as to why things happen to me the way they do, because I'm different than the average heart patient. It's frightening. These episodes, where I am not in control my body and I don't know what is going to happen, terrify me. I'm scared, a lot. And I wish so much that I didn't have to worry about this, especially at my age. But, there is no sense in dwelling on those feelings because the past is the past. I have been dealt these cards and I can only move forward, not look wistfully to the years behind me. I was given this life because I can handle it. And I can. I do. But sometimes, I wish things were different. And maybe someday, they will be. That's why I'm so passionate about fundraising for congenital heart research. Without it, people like me will always live in fear about their futures. Someday, maybe situations like mine will change and I can only hope and pray the research will provide us with the answers we need to bring about that kind of positive change. Someday.
So I will wait. And work on not waiting. I don't want to dwell and obsess because it's just not healthy and such a lousy way to spend a life. I want to be present and not worry about what could happen -- what might happen -- because maybe nothing bad will happen and then I've wasted my time worrying when I should have been enjoying, when I should have been LIVING. It'll be okay. I can handle it. Know why? Because I've got my hero by my side, amazing family and friends, and because I'm a badass. Sometimes ;)
So, like I said, second time in 2.5 months. It really upset and frightened me, especially since I wasn't doing anything particularly strenuous or different {I've been going to the gym for about 2 months now and I am always careful and aware of how what I'm doing is affecting my heart rate}. The only thing that I can see connecting the episodes is that they occur directly after or during periods of stress. Thing is, they don't always occur when I'm stressed, but when they do, I'm stressed -- does that make sense? They seem like exceptions to the rule.
Anyway.
I was able to get an appointment at my cardiologist office for this morning and while the appointment was informative, we didn't really leave with concrete answers, which is frustrating but not altogether surprising. {Concrete information I did get was my bpm for those two episodes: 265bpm for Wednesday and 285bpm for the episode I had in November. Normal/average is 70bpm. *sigh* Additionally, they do believe that my episodes are caused by atrial fibrillation.} Many times, they can't tell exactly what is happening with the electrical system of the heart unless they can get in there and observe it while it's happening (via ablation) or capture it "misbehaving" while the patient is wearing a heart monitor, but I'm not a candidate for a heart monitor at this stage because for the moment, they happen too far apart (thank God). I carry a low dose beta blocker in my purse so I wanted to know when I should use it and what to expect, as I thought about taking one on Wednesday but eventually decided against it since I didn't know exactly what it did. The NP I saw today was able to answer those questions (take if after 30 minutes I am unable to gain control of my heart rate without intervention, lie down as it may cause dizziness and wait for the pill to take effect, which might be up to another half hour) and give me an idea as to what my other options were should these episodes persist and/or occur with more regularity:
1) take my heart pill PRN (as needed) until the episodes are really commonplace and I am ready to move on to a more aggressive treatment (see #2)
2) conduct an EP (electrophysiology) study where they would prepare me for an ablation (where they remove rogue/misfiring cells of the heart through a laser-like procedure, entering the body through a vein in the groin area)
3) put me on a daily beta blocker (which we want to avoid until I'm older as they do not like to give these to women of child bearing age since they have side effects and are hard on the body, and most are not "pregnancy approved".)
Of course, the hope is that they won't occur with any more frequency than they are now, and idealistically, they will happen less often than they have been. So I guess all I can do now is wait and see, which is hard and causes me anxiety because the wondering is one of the worst parts: wondering when another episode will happen, wondering where I'll be and what I'll be doing, wondering how bad it will be that next time and if I'll need to be hospitalized like I was in September of 2012 in order to get it to stop, wondering how this will continue to affect my/our life.
Can I complain for a moment? I'm going to give myself permission to let my guard down and just, well, not be strong for a minute, so please don't think less of me. Most of the time, I'm okay. I try really hard to be upbeat about my heart issues, and focus on the good in my life, on the blessings but...I miss my pre-heart trouble life more than I can say. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling like a glass doll that has to be handled with care. I feel old. I have a pacemaker, for crying out loud. I am usually the youngest patient in the waiting room and the nurses often say, "You're too young for this, sweetheart, I'm sorry." I don't want pity, I want to be fixed. I don't want projections, I want answers. I can't tell you how hard it is to continuously work to build up my self-confidence, my self-worth and my self-esteem, cast my fears aside, and then just as often have to pick myself up and carry on after something like this happens. It's exhausting. I worry about my future constantly, because adults living with congenital heart disease (or the effects thereof) aren't all that common...yet...because babies born with more severe congenital defects oftentimes didn't survive into adulthood. Thanks to technology, that is changing. "What if" scenarios run rampant in my mind if I don't keep them in check. "Regular" cardiologists don't know what to do with me, so I have to ask for referrals to specialists who are just now slogging through research recently conducted to find answers as to why things happen to me the way they do, because I'm different than the average heart patient. It's frightening. These episodes, where I am not in control my body and I don't know what is going to happen, terrify me. I'm scared, a lot. And I wish so much that I didn't have to worry about this, especially at my age. But, there is no sense in dwelling on those feelings because the past is the past. I have been dealt these cards and I can only move forward, not look wistfully to the years behind me. I was given this life because I can handle it. And I can. I do. But sometimes, I wish things were different. And maybe someday, they will be. That's why I'm so passionate about fundraising for congenital heart research. Without it, people like me will always live in fear about their futures. Someday, maybe situations like mine will change and I can only hope and pray the research will provide us with the answers we need to bring about that kind of positive change. Someday.
So I will wait. And work on not waiting. I don't want to dwell and obsess because it's just not healthy and such a lousy way to spend a life. I want to be present and not worry about what could happen -- what might happen -- because maybe nothing bad will happen and then I've wasted my time worrying when I should have been enjoying, when I should have been LIVING. It'll be okay. I can handle it. Know why? Because I've got my hero by my side, amazing family and friends, and because I'm a badass. Sometimes ;)
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
My theme for 2014: Conscious Optimism
We've all heard the phrase, "Cautiously optimistic" but what if, instead, we replaced that cautious optimism with CONSCIOUS optimism? It's an idea I've been thinking a lot about lately and I think it's safe to say that it will be my theme for 2014.
I hadn't heard about people choosing yearly themes until recently. Other bloggers were posting about this idea and it got me to thinking about my own theme for the coming year: what would I choose and why? What would motivate me to keep on keepin' on through the ups and downs that may lie ahead? What can challenge me while at the same time encourage growth?
That last word: Growth. It's played a prominent role in my life lately. I rolled that word around in my mind a bit and I thought, "hey, maybe that would be my theme" but while important, it felt more appropriate for last year. {Can I retroactively give 2013 a theme?} So then I thought about hope. We all need hope, and we all need to lean upon it from time to time and I certainly have but it didn't feel...big enough, all encompassing enough while at the same time specific enough. What about strength? Sure, I feel strong, I've endured some things and grown (there's that word again!) from the experiences I've had but again, I think strength is a characteristic, not a theme. And then, for some reason, I started thinking about optimism and why it's so important, why "happy" people are truly... happy and what that means, and how my perception of happy people has shifted and morphed over the last few years.
Here is what I've discovered, for myself and through the guidance of others: Happiness is a journey, not a destination. You don't wake up one day and discover that, magically, out of the blue, you're happy. Tada! No. It has been my experience (and I can only speak for myself) that it is a journey, and one that you have to actively take part in, each and every day. In short, it is oftentimes a choice. And let's not kid ourselves, it's not always an easy choice. I'll admit it. There was a time that I thought that happy people were people looking at life through rose colored glasses. These people seemed to be satisfied no matter their circumstances and I couldn't figure out why, or how. But then again, I was going through a really rough time and I found that it took less effort to be unhappy and sad and frustrated and angry than it was to be, well, anything else. I let my emotions rule my life. I was frustrated, angry, sad and unhappy with my situation and didn't feel motivated to do anything about it. I wallowed, I moped and got comfortable in my sad, angry state. I was fine with it. Or so I thought. Then I realized I didn't have to be that way, that it wasn't healthy, and frankly, it wasn't becoming. Maybe I could try, slowly, to find the silver lining. To, little by little, open myself up to being cautiously optimistic and go from there. It seemed like a good place to start and it was.
But now, I feel ready for more. I feel ready to commit to more than just hoping to feel good, hoping to have a good day, hoping to have a good month, year, life. I want to actively take part in my own emotional well-being. But how do I go about doing that?
That's when the idea of conscious optimism popped in to my head. What if I challenged myself to, whenever possible, choose the positive over the negative, optimism over pessimism? And I emphasize that "whenever possible" part. I'm not setting myself up for failure by saying I'll ALWAYS be able to do this because that's not real life. People can't be pleasant or "happy" all of the time. And they shouldn't be, because life is hard and things are sad and it's unrealistic and unhealthy to go too far and pretend to be happy when you're clearly not. But I'm talking about trying to learn from mistakes; allowing yourself to be sad -- really sad -- when life and circumstances warrant it but then try with all your might to not allow it to become a state of being (been there, done that, not good); trying to glean positivity from a seemingly only negative situation because while it may be "easier" to choose to let your emotions win during hard times, maybe we forget that there's another option. What if I chose to replace the subjective word "happy" with the more specific word, "content"? What if to be happy was really all about learning to be content? Leaning to bob and weave when it counts and not let all of the little cruddy things life throws your way weigh you down? {Again, big things are sometimes game changers, wild cards if you will...I think it's hard to say with any amount of certainty or promise how you'll react to big, life changing negative experiences. I never thought some of the things that have happened would be part of my story but they are. I can't go back and change how I handled things then but can I change how I handle the big things that lie ahead? All I can do is take it day by day, and hope that what I learn from those smaller experiences can help me better handle the larger, more impactful ones.}
Being happy doesn't mean that you're weak. It doesn't mean you're slapping a band aid on something instead of dealing with it. On the contrary, I think actively choosing to be satisfied with your situation takes a lot of strength. It takes strength to pick yourself off, dust yourself off and say, "Okay, that sucked but you know what? I can choose to let this ruin my day or I can find something else good to focus on until I can find a constructive way to deal with the upsetting thing I've been confronted with." Of course there will be huge things down the road that will be more upsetting than I can manage with that line of thinking and I realize that. {And, just to be clear, this choice doesn't mean I'm surrendering my right to complain now and again...it just means I'll try to keep it to a minimum!} But what if, on the whole, I decided to just be open to the option of optimism and welcome the idea with an open heart and an open mind? What if I also chose to fill my life with positive changes that would promote a better mood and a more positive outlook, such as regular exercise, a healthy diet, and planning things in to our schedule that we can look forward to, opportunities to stay connected and engaged with our lives?
I don't know. Maybe I'm full of it. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and maybe I'll be terrible at this. But I'd rather try than not. I'd rather wake up and feel a pang of hope in my heart than succumb to a pang of despair. It's what I've learned, and it's what I think will be good for me. And I can only choose for myself. I deserve to be content (don't we all?). Every day. Even if the thing that makes me smile on a particularly bad day is something so seemingly trivial that it seems silly to someone else. At least I smiled, and I least I didn't let myself drown. Because I've been there before and it's not a good place to be. It's dismal there, and I really missed the light when I allowed myself to take up residence there for too long.
So this year's theme is conscious optimism. I will be conscious of contentedness, and conscious of my choice to attain it. Because this life is too short, and I'm far too blessed to not realize or appreciate it.
I hadn't heard about people choosing yearly themes until recently. Other bloggers were posting about this idea and it got me to thinking about my own theme for the coming year: what would I choose and why? What would motivate me to keep on keepin' on through the ups and downs that may lie ahead? What can challenge me while at the same time encourage growth?
That last word: Growth. It's played a prominent role in my life lately. I rolled that word around in my mind a bit and I thought, "hey, maybe that would be my theme" but while important, it felt more appropriate for last year. {Can I retroactively give 2013 a theme?} So then I thought about hope. We all need hope, and we all need to lean upon it from time to time and I certainly have but it didn't feel...big enough, all encompassing enough while at the same time specific enough. What about strength? Sure, I feel strong, I've endured some things and grown (there's that word again!) from the experiences I've had but again, I think strength is a characteristic, not a theme. And then, for some reason, I started thinking about optimism and why it's so important, why "happy" people are truly... happy and what that means, and how my perception of happy people has shifted and morphed over the last few years.
Here is what I've discovered, for myself and through the guidance of others: Happiness is a journey, not a destination. You don't wake up one day and discover that, magically, out of the blue, you're happy. Tada! No. It has been my experience (and I can only speak for myself) that it is a journey, and one that you have to actively take part in, each and every day. In short, it is oftentimes a choice. And let's not kid ourselves, it's not always an easy choice. I'll admit it. There was a time that I thought that happy people were people looking at life through rose colored glasses. These people seemed to be satisfied no matter their circumstances and I couldn't figure out why, or how. But then again, I was going through a really rough time and I found that it took less effort to be unhappy and sad and frustrated and angry than it was to be, well, anything else. I let my emotions rule my life. I was frustrated, angry, sad and unhappy with my situation and didn't feel motivated to do anything about it. I wallowed, I moped and got comfortable in my sad, angry state. I was fine with it. Or so I thought. Then I realized I didn't have to be that way, that it wasn't healthy, and frankly, it wasn't becoming. Maybe I could try, slowly, to find the silver lining. To, little by little, open myself up to being cautiously optimistic and go from there. It seemed like a good place to start and it was.
But now, I feel ready for more. I feel ready to commit to more than just hoping to feel good, hoping to have a good day, hoping to have a good month, year, life. I want to actively take part in my own emotional well-being. But how do I go about doing that?
That's when the idea of conscious optimism popped in to my head. What if I challenged myself to, whenever possible, choose the positive over the negative, optimism over pessimism? And I emphasize that "whenever possible" part. I'm not setting myself up for failure by saying I'll ALWAYS be able to do this because that's not real life. People can't be pleasant or "happy" all of the time. And they shouldn't be, because life is hard and things are sad and it's unrealistic and unhealthy to go too far and pretend to be happy when you're clearly not. But I'm talking about trying to learn from mistakes; allowing yourself to be sad -- really sad -- when life and circumstances warrant it but then try with all your might to not allow it to become a state of being (been there, done that, not good); trying to glean positivity from a seemingly only negative situation because while it may be "easier" to choose to let your emotions win during hard times, maybe we forget that there's another option. What if I chose to replace the subjective word "happy" with the more specific word, "content"? What if to be happy was really all about learning to be content? Leaning to bob and weave when it counts and not let all of the little cruddy things life throws your way weigh you down? {Again, big things are sometimes game changers, wild cards if you will...I think it's hard to say with any amount of certainty or promise how you'll react to big, life changing negative experiences. I never thought some of the things that have happened would be part of my story but they are. I can't go back and change how I handled things then but can I change how I handle the big things that lie ahead? All I can do is take it day by day, and hope that what I learn from those smaller experiences can help me better handle the larger, more impactful ones.}
Being happy doesn't mean that you're weak. It doesn't mean you're slapping a band aid on something instead of dealing with it. On the contrary, I think actively choosing to be satisfied with your situation takes a lot of strength. It takes strength to pick yourself off, dust yourself off and say, "Okay, that sucked but you know what? I can choose to let this ruin my day or I can find something else good to focus on until I can find a constructive way to deal with the upsetting thing I've been confronted with." Of course there will be huge things down the road that will be more upsetting than I can manage with that line of thinking and I realize that. {And, just to be clear, this choice doesn't mean I'm surrendering my right to complain now and again...it just means I'll try to keep it to a minimum!} But what if, on the whole, I decided to just be open to the option of optimism and welcome the idea with an open heart and an open mind? What if I also chose to fill my life with positive changes that would promote a better mood and a more positive outlook, such as regular exercise, a healthy diet, and planning things in to our schedule that we can look forward to, opportunities to stay connected and engaged with our lives?
I don't know. Maybe I'm full of it. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and maybe I'll be terrible at this. But I'd rather try than not. I'd rather wake up and feel a pang of hope in my heart than succumb to a pang of despair. It's what I've learned, and it's what I think will be good for me. And I can only choose for myself. I deserve to be content (don't we all?). Every day. Even if the thing that makes me smile on a particularly bad day is something so seemingly trivial that it seems silly to someone else. At least I smiled, and I least I didn't let myself drown. Because I've been there before and it's not a good place to be. It's dismal there, and I really missed the light when I allowed myself to take up residence there for too long.
So this year's theme is conscious optimism. I will be conscious of contentedness, and conscious of my choice to attain it. Because this life is too short, and I'm far too blessed to not realize or appreciate it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
14 Questions Before 2014
1. What are my top 5 best memories from 2013?
Surprise birthday trip to Chicago in February, Jason's doctoral recital, Congenital Heart Walk in Indianapolis, trip home this past summer, and spending Christmas with my mom this year. A few bonus memories: setting new life goals for the coming year with Jason in the car this past weekend on our way to and from Chicago, being gifted my new camera and giving Jason his Kobe portrait for our 7th wedding anniversary, and my job becoming permanent in March (complete with a benefits package!). As with every year, there were some downs mixed in there for good measure but all in all, it's been a pretty solid 12 months.
2. What did I learn about love this year?
It truly does endure, and it grows and flourishes if we water and feed it. In my humble opinion, love is the most powerful, most important thing in this life. Without it, we are lost.
3. What did I learn about life this year?
I'm continuing to delve in to lessons I was first given a few short years ago... I'm learning that although life can be tough, and although it can frustrate and discourage, life is such a blessing. Each day we can open our eyes and experience all that the day in front of us has to offer is a good day, and that even though we may experience hardship, to experience is to live, and we learn and grow from mistakes and bad days, perhaps more so than from the triumphs/successes of good days. I'm learning to never take what I've been given for granted because life is short, and it can change on a dime. I'm learning that sometimes, good things enter in to your life disguised as challenges but goodness and clarity can prevail if you learn to look for the lesson and light therein.
4. What did I learn about myself this year? Who Am I Becoming?
I am becoming a 30 year old in less than two months! haha No, but seriously. I am continuously learning to accept the things I cannot change, and recognize and act upon the things I can. I feel that I've grown into myself in the last year. I've proven myself wrong in a few instances and it's been empowering. I am stronger than I was a few years ago and for that, I am so very thankful.
5. What matters most to me in my life?
Family (including our fur babies) and friends, always. Love. Hope. Faith. Memories. Trust. Support. Laughter. The little things because those little things add up and become big things in the end.
6. Who matters most to me in my life right now? (And am I spending enough time with them?)
Again, family and friends. And, hey, me: I matter. I'm important. I wish I could say I've always felt that way, but during especially challenging times, I lost sight of that and turned on myself a little bit. I was too critical, and certainly not loving enough, not forgiving enough. But that needs to change, and it is.
I wish I could see family and friends who live far away more often, but we do what we can to make trips home and always make family and friend time a top priority.
7. What am I most proud of this year?
Keeping my emotions in check, and how my thinking has changed. I've really worked hard to adopt a more positive "silver lining" outlook and attitude, and while there are things about my life that I wish I could alter or change, when it comes right down to it, I know I am blessed and I really attempt to find the good in every day...and no, it's not always easy. Do I allow myself time to be upset if a situation warrants that emotion? Absolutely, but wallowing has not been permitted this year and I believe I am a better me as a result.
8. How will I bring more joy to my life in 2014?
Plan and schedule in fun things throughout the year, things that we look forward to and continue to bring us closer to one another. Stress less, worry less, don't allow fear to stop me from trying new things or taking chances.
9. What is my vision for my life?
When it is meant to be, a little family of our own. Peace. Adventures. Health. Passion. Gratitude and giving. A life that I can look back on at the end of my days and think, "You know, I did good," both meanings of the word: I did well and was happy, and I did good things for others.
10. What am I grateful for?
Oh my, this could be a very long list indeed... For the sake of time and space: Big things like Jason, family, friends, my health, my job, etc but also little things, like tea, the freedom I feel when driving with the windows down on a warm day with my music blasting and a cool breeze pushing strands of hair across my cheeks, pictures/cameras, color, beautiful scenery, candles, books, a smile on a difficult day, hugs, a call from a friend, a card in the mail, music (which would definitely be on my husband's list of big things...Ha!), quiet moments of reflection, the smell of fresh laundry, warm showers on cold days, kitchen smells, watching a movie all snuggled up with Jason on the couch, unexpected laughter, feelings of inner tranquility and of peace, good and not so good memories because although the tough stuff is hard to look back on it reminds me to be thankful for how far I've come and puts my life in to perspective.
11. What needs to change in my life?
I need to continue to work on self-criticism and really embrace who I am, quirks, baggage, shortcomings and all. I also need to learn to care less about what others think of me. I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me, their opinion doesn't define me. I cannot control what other people think, say or do, and the sooner I embrace that fact, the better. I also need to put the brakes on being such a people pleaser and stop seeking approval from others. If I fall short of their or my own preset expectations or preconceived notion of what it is I'm supposed to do or what's expected of me, I feel so badly and I don't need that negativity in my life. I can only do the best that I can and if I'm doing that, then there is no need to worry...and, on that same note, I need to worry less and be more present in the now, because time goes by so fast. Almost seems like if you blink, you'll miss it and I don't want to.
12. What is my theme for 2014?
Hope. Positivity. Growth. "You can't live a positive life with a negative mind." And yes, I did just quote Miley Cyrus. Who've ever thought?
13. When do I feel the most alive, the most like ME?
I know it's probably cliche, but I don't care: I feel the most "me" when I'm with Jason and my family, and with my closest friends, because I know they love me for me and I don't have to change a thing, ever, and because when I'm with those people, we have the most fun and we laugh so hard we cry and it's invigorating to be with people who fan your flames, who make you feel perfect and loved just as you are. Also, when I'm behind a camera lens, or being creative in some other way, be it in the kitchen or doing some DIY project, or simply walking outside on a warm, sunny day with my favorite tunes playing in my ears. Serenity. Ahhh.
14. What books do I want to read in 2014? What movies do I want to see?
Since I read about a book a week on average, reading is most definitely an important part of any year for me. I'll probably take a peek at this list: http://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-fiction-books-2013
Movies: Gravity, Her, 12 Years a Slave, Maleficent, Heaven is For Real, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Fault in Our Stars, The Giver, Gone Girl, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1, The Hobbit: There and Back Again.
And so, tomorrow we say hello to a whole new year. Next year will usher in a whole new decade for me so I am feeling a sense of eagerness and hope that I haven't felt in quite awhile and I have to admit that it's exciting. May 2014 bring you all beautiful days and beautiful memories, satisfaction and success, joy and laughter, new adventures and opportunities for growth, and if you encounter hardship, may you find peace and may light and goodness prevail. You are loved, you are important, and I hope you know it. Happy New Year!!
Surprise birthday trip to Chicago in February, Jason's doctoral recital, Congenital Heart Walk in Indianapolis, trip home this past summer, and spending Christmas with my mom this year. A few bonus memories: setting new life goals for the coming year with Jason in the car this past weekend on our way to and from Chicago, being gifted my new camera and giving Jason his Kobe portrait for our 7th wedding anniversary, and my job becoming permanent in March (complete with a benefits package!). As with every year, there were some downs mixed in there for good measure but all in all, it's been a pretty solid 12 months.
2. What did I learn about love this year?
It truly does endure, and it grows and flourishes if we water and feed it. In my humble opinion, love is the most powerful, most important thing in this life. Without it, we are lost.
3. What did I learn about life this year?
I'm continuing to delve in to lessons I was first given a few short years ago... I'm learning that although life can be tough, and although it can frustrate and discourage, life is such a blessing. Each day we can open our eyes and experience all that the day in front of us has to offer is a good day, and that even though we may experience hardship, to experience is to live, and we learn and grow from mistakes and bad days, perhaps more so than from the triumphs/successes of good days. I'm learning to never take what I've been given for granted because life is short, and it can change on a dime. I'm learning that sometimes, good things enter in to your life disguised as challenges but goodness and clarity can prevail if you learn to look for the lesson and light therein.
4. What did I learn about myself this year? Who Am I Becoming?
I am becoming a 30 year old in less than two months! haha No, but seriously. I am continuously learning to accept the things I cannot change, and recognize and act upon the things I can. I feel that I've grown into myself in the last year. I've proven myself wrong in a few instances and it's been empowering. I am stronger than I was a few years ago and for that, I am so very thankful.
5. What matters most to me in my life?
Family (including our fur babies) and friends, always. Love. Hope. Faith. Memories. Trust. Support. Laughter. The little things because those little things add up and become big things in the end.
6. Who matters most to me in my life right now? (And am I spending enough time with them?)
Again, family and friends. And, hey, me: I matter. I'm important. I wish I could say I've always felt that way, but during especially challenging times, I lost sight of that and turned on myself a little bit. I was too critical, and certainly not loving enough, not forgiving enough. But that needs to change, and it is.
I wish I could see family and friends who live far away more often, but we do what we can to make trips home and always make family and friend time a top priority.
7. What am I most proud of this year?
Keeping my emotions in check, and how my thinking has changed. I've really worked hard to adopt a more positive "silver lining" outlook and attitude, and while there are things about my life that I wish I could alter or change, when it comes right down to it, I know I am blessed and I really attempt to find the good in every day...and no, it's not always easy. Do I allow myself time to be upset if a situation warrants that emotion? Absolutely, but wallowing has not been permitted this year and I believe I am a better me as a result.
8. How will I bring more joy to my life in 2014?
Plan and schedule in fun things throughout the year, things that we look forward to and continue to bring us closer to one another. Stress less, worry less, don't allow fear to stop me from trying new things or taking chances.
9. What is my vision for my life?
When it is meant to be, a little family of our own. Peace. Adventures. Health. Passion. Gratitude and giving. A life that I can look back on at the end of my days and think, "You know, I did good," both meanings of the word: I did well and was happy, and I did good things for others.
10. What am I grateful for?
Oh my, this could be a very long list indeed... For the sake of time and space: Big things like Jason, family, friends, my health, my job, etc but also little things, like tea, the freedom I feel when driving with the windows down on a warm day with my music blasting and a cool breeze pushing strands of hair across my cheeks, pictures/cameras, color, beautiful scenery, candles, books, a smile on a difficult day, hugs, a call from a friend, a card in the mail, music (which would definitely be on my husband's list of big things...Ha!), quiet moments of reflection, the smell of fresh laundry, warm showers on cold days, kitchen smells, watching a movie all snuggled up with Jason on the couch, unexpected laughter, feelings of inner tranquility and of peace, good and not so good memories because although the tough stuff is hard to look back on it reminds me to be thankful for how far I've come and puts my life in to perspective.
11. What needs to change in my life?
I need to continue to work on self-criticism and really embrace who I am, quirks, baggage, shortcomings and all. I also need to learn to care less about what others think of me. I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me, their opinion doesn't define me. I cannot control what other people think, say or do, and the sooner I embrace that fact, the better. I also need to put the brakes on being such a people pleaser and stop seeking approval from others. If I fall short of their or my own preset expectations or preconceived notion of what it is I'm supposed to do or what's expected of me, I feel so badly and I don't need that negativity in my life. I can only do the best that I can and if I'm doing that, then there is no need to worry...and, on that same note, I need to worry less and be more present in the now, because time goes by so fast. Almost seems like if you blink, you'll miss it and I don't want to.
12. What is my theme for 2014?
Hope. Positivity. Growth. "You can't live a positive life with a negative mind." And yes, I did just quote Miley Cyrus. Who've ever thought?
13. When do I feel the most alive, the most like ME?
I know it's probably cliche, but I don't care: I feel the most "me" when I'm with Jason and my family, and with my closest friends, because I know they love me for me and I don't have to change a thing, ever, and because when I'm with those people, we have the most fun and we laugh so hard we cry and it's invigorating to be with people who fan your flames, who make you feel perfect and loved just as you are. Also, when I'm behind a camera lens, or being creative in some other way, be it in the kitchen or doing some DIY project, or simply walking outside on a warm, sunny day with my favorite tunes playing in my ears. Serenity. Ahhh.
14. What books do I want to read in 2014? What movies do I want to see?
Since I read about a book a week on average, reading is most definitely an important part of any year for me. I'll probably take a peek at this list: http://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-fiction-books-2013
Movies: Gravity, Her, 12 Years a Slave, Maleficent, Heaven is For Real, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Fault in Our Stars, The Giver, Gone Girl, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1, The Hobbit: There and Back Again.
And so, tomorrow we say hello to a whole new year. Next year will usher in a whole new decade for me so I am feeling a sense of eagerness and hope that I haven't felt in quite awhile and I have to admit that it's exciting. May 2014 bring you all beautiful days and beautiful memories, satisfaction and success, joy and laughter, new adventures and opportunities for growth, and if you encounter hardship, may you find peace and may light and goodness prevail. You are loved, you are important, and I hope you know it. Happy New Year!!
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