One more week

I can't believe I'll be back to work a week from tomorrow! These last three months have literally flown by. I remember leaving work on October 19th and thinking how LONG it would be until I'd be back and now, it's a week away! I definitely can see how being at home and not working is preferable to working 8 hours a day and honestly, not one part of me is looking forward to going back. I'm so nervous I won't be ready, I'm afraid of getting too tired and stressed and going backwards with my recovery, and I'm sad to be returning to the workplace in general...the main reason being that once you're immersed in work and the stress that comes with it (especially when this transition is going to be hard), you don't have the time or rather, often discover that you don't take the time to notice and engage in the things that make life really enjoyable. Along with the little things, I've enjoyed my daily walks, sleeping in when I'm having a rough day heart palpitation wise, reading books, spending time catching up on movies and tv shows and being at home when Jason comes home for lunch. I've enjoyed doing my grocery shopping during the day, seeing friends and family during the day, and being at HOME during the day, a part I'm sure my pets will miss as well. I'm going to miss working on craft projects, getting caught up with the laundry and wearing lazy day clothes every day instead of dress clothes for work.

I know this must sound, all written down, like the longest most leisurely of vacations but I assure you, it has not been. More often than not, I've been on the couch out of pure necessity rather than desire and nearly 2 full months out of the three were spent in varying degrees of pain, not to mention the anxiety and insomnia that comes with major surgery. It took me almost a full month before I could wash my own hair and before I didn't feel like the shower to wash my hair would be the greatest exertion of the day. Nights when I only slept 2-3 hours at most and became acquainted with late night/early morning tv offerings (which were lousy at best) only to wake up soaked in sweat; weeks full of multiple days in a row where I would have hours upon hours of endless heart palpitations; panic attacks that would come out of nowhere (one of the worst on Thanksgiving Day), and such severe muscle spasms in my back from being stiff and holding my body differently and sleeping on three pillows (because I couldn't lie flat) that it was difficult to breathe. This is the first time I've had a 4-day run of good days...usually a bad day would be tossed in for good measure. So you can see how I'd be hesitant and wary about returning to a full-time management position. I know I need to do it, for more reasons than one, and I know that I CAN do it, once I'm back in it and re-adjusted to the working world: everything will fall in to place and I'll be ok. It's just getting to the "ok" that worries me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and I know that working full-time and being stressed out again and up and about all day will take it's toll on me and have it's effects and how all of that shows up in me is what remains to be seen. I'm out of PTO, and I'm out of disability time so I can't take days off if I have a bad day. How will that work? What will I do? No more sleeping it off or resting until I feel stronger. My employers have been wonderfully supportive, encouraging me to take the full 12 weeks to feel the best that I can, but I don't think anyone fully understands what a challenge this whole process has been and how far I still have to go. Technically, I'm only half way through my recovery time, as the given time is 6 months.

Oh Lord, please give me the strength to do what needs to be done and the wisdom to know what to do and how to get through if what I need to do isn't what I should be doing...and please help my superiors see that I'm trying my best to be the employee they need me to be but that it'll all take time, as my heart and body are still healing, both inside and out.