T minus 7 days

My pacemaker surgery is officially one week (actually less, if we're being literal) from today. I am actually more nervous at this point than I was at this stage in October for my open heart, which surprises me. I think it's because I know what to expect now and I know I'm not going to like it, and much of the experience scares me. The last time I was in the hospital, it was after being re-admitted in to the ER for my techicardia (300+ beats per minute heart rate) which was followed by a 3 day hospital stay and another procedure to get rid of the faux heart beat that was creating such a problem. I honestly think I suffer from a bit of PTSD from the experience: seeing the nurses rush in to answer the panic alarms going off, my own voice screaming for Jason, feeling my heart race in my chest, nurses running in with the crash cart, not understanding what was going on, and thinking that I was truly going to die, telling Jason good-bye, and waking up hours later in a hospital room in CCU attached to an IV drip that was controlling my heart rate. I remember all of that, and it sometimes plays over and over again in my head before a panic attack, all in slow motion. And all of that is on top of the trauma of having been through major surgery just 8 months ago, so you can see how I wouldn't be looking forward to going back.

But. I am strong. And in the words of Christina Aguilera's song, Fighter
"Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter; makes me learn a little bit faster, makes my skin a little bit thicker, makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter." I am a fighter and I'm not going to stop fighting. I will get better, I will be healthier and I will continue to strive to live my life as I was meant to live it: without fear.