Four Years -- Surviving and Thriving

Four years ago, at approximately 7:00 am CA time, I was being prepped for surgery in an OR at the Ronald Regan UCLA Medical Center. I had been there since 4:45 am. The fact that I had managed to sleep at all the night before was a kind of miracle. I was remarkably calm. I wasn’t shaking anymore and although I certainly felt the icy grip of fear, I was more or less resigned to what was about to take place. "Are you ready?" {Was I? I suppose I was.} “Count back from 10” – I only got to 8.

I felt so heavy. I remember my eyes suddenly being open, a smiling face leaning in close to mine. I was too out of it to be startled. “Hi, Melissa, it’s Mary. Guess what, sweetheart, you woke up!” Mary was my head surgical nurse and she knew those words were what I needed to hear before I lost consciousness again, which I presume is what happened next, as I don't remember much else about that day. But I know in that moment relief flooded over me as intensely and as completely as the brightness of those OR lights. The most crucial hurdle had been jumped, and my worst fear averted: my open heart surgery was over and I had woken up.

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I believe I'll always celebrate this day. It has become a marking of a kind of rebirth for me. I was given a second chance. Had I not received the care I did, when I did, I wouldn't be here, plain and simple. Without a doubt, October 29th, 2009 was a day that left me forever changed. Who I am now is not who I was then. And remarkably, I can honestly say I have come to enjoy the person I am today more. She's more confident, she has more faith, she believes in her own inner strength and resolve, and she has a greater appreciation for LIFE and for each day that she gets to open her eyes and start/try again. This version of me sees beauty in the mundane, in the small and seemingly trivial. She knows to cherish the moments she spends with family and friends because tomorrow isn't always a guarantee. She knows to encourage people's hopes and dreams as well as her own for the same reason. Although the journey was, for the most part, a very steep, uphill battle, it now seems worth it. The experience brought me to  - and through - an awakening. I know that I'm a fighter, I know that I can survive under dire circumstances and I will NOT give up on myself, ever. I am worth the fight and time it took. My scars tell a story, and I have accepted them for what they are - beautifully unique to me because they tell the story of a young woman who was stronger than what could have taken her life. I am tough as nails and mighty proud of it.

Life is such a gift. That might sound like a cliche, but it's so true. And I am beyond blessed to be living it. The support given and shown to my parents, Jason and myself during that time was incredible. From the bottom of my mended heart, I want to thank you all for lifting us up when we needed it most. I assure you, it made all the difference. Four years. Happy surgiversary to me :)